Life After 3

Without the help of our very good friends I don't know how we would have coped through the very hard months after Sean's death. It goes to show in times like that how valuable friends are. We could never repay the help they gave us. People ask me how am I feeling when I meet them. I usually say OK but half the time I don't know myself. Sometimes I am alright but then something triggers in my head and I just want to burst into tears. Its been a hard couple of days as we have been sorting out Sean's grave stone.

Well we have just come back from a two week camping holiday in lovely Suffolk. Callum loved every minute of it. He made loads of friends on the campsite. We put Buster into a kennel for the two weeks as a lot of the places Callum wanted to see did not allow dogs. Boy did we miss him. He nearly ate us when we picked him up.
It was good to see Callum so happy again playing with his new found friends. I must admit there was a few tearful nights thinking that Sean would have loved the holiday. I seem to get a strange guilty feeling when I am out somewhere without Sean. Even when I go fly fishing I which I loved doing very much I just cant enjoy it as much as I used to before Sean past away. I just don't have any enthusiasm for anything anymore. All I care about now is making sure Callum and Hazell are happy.

Life after 2

A couple of weeks ago Callum came to me and said that he wanted to go beating. Then he said he wanted to go fly fishing as well. My first reaction was to say that if he realy wanted to go then I would gladly take him. Then after a couple of hours I started to worry a bit. Did he say that because he wanted to go or did he say that because he was trying to replace Sean. When Sean and I went beating it was allways know as Sean and Daddy day and Callum and Mummy day as Callum had shown no interest in going with us. When we all went out it was allways Sean and me and Callum and Hazell who sat together or walked together. I have allways loved and treated them both the same as has Hazell but it just turned out that way. Now Sean has gone Is Callum trying to make up for the loss of Sean ?. Who knows what goes through the mind of an eight year old.
              When we got Buster Callum changed overnight. He started to smile and laugh a lot . He was back to his old self again. Plus he opened up a lot more. Even his teachers had noticed the difference in him. He even talks about Sean now which he would never do before. Callum still will not go near Seans grave yet but we shall not force him to go. He will go when he is ready and only he will know that.
                                                                                                                                We have been busy over the last couple of months with going to Highclere, The Cotswold Show and the CLA Game Fair. All of which Callum wanted to go with Buster. He has started wearing a realtree cap which he wanted at Highclere similar to the one Sean used to wear. He also wanted a realtree jacket as well. Now when I see him wearng them I see Sean.
                          Is he trying to be like Sean I hope not. I want him to be like Callum not a Sean clone. Am I wrong in thinking that.? Am I wrong in thinking he is trying to make up for Sean ? I just dont know.

Sean

This one is going to be hard. What can I say about Sean ?.He was just a typical 10 year old who enjoyed life to the full. He loved the out doors the muddier the better. I think that's why he loved going beating so much. I used to call him the mud lark. Not only was he my eldest son but he was my best friend as well. We were so much alike and loved the same things. I often watched him and saw myself at that age. I think when he past away part of me died with him. He loved school and was loved by his friends. Here are the words that were read out by his head teacher and his school friends at his funeral.

Tribute to Sean Wakeford on 23^rd December 2010

 by Alison Marsh (Headteacher of Botley Primary School)

I had the pleasure of knowing Sean for 2 years since I’ve been Headteacher of Botley Primary School. There are many in this church today who had known him longer than that, all of whom have very fond memories of him.

Sean was a quiet, sensitive boy. He was very proud of his family, his Mum, Dad and especially his younger brother Callum.

Sean liked school, being with his friends and sharing his good sense of humour with them.  He was an able boy, who liked learning new things especially if it involved a computer. He loved science fiction and had a vivid imagination.

He hated it when his friends fell out with one another over petty things and he would do everything in his power to help them sort out their differences as quickly as possible.

Children from Sean’s class have written some words about him…….

Words by William Harris Evans:

I have known Sean and his family for seven years. I first met Sean at Elms Road Nursery School. Throughout our school life we have always been friends. We both loved Doctor Who. Most Thursday's I would bump into him and Callum at the shops buying the Doctor Who adventures magazine. 

 Out of school we attended Beavers and Cubs together. On our first Cub camp weekend away, Sean was home sick for his mum and Dad, so he went home on the first night, it shows what a happy and loving home life he had, and how much he enjoyed being with his family.

I always thought Sean and I would continue to grow up along side each other, go to Mathew Arnold in September and maybe even college after that. Sean was a true friend to me, even when times were tough, he was always there.

I am missing Sean so much. He was kind and helpful to everyone, always smiling, there was not one thing that was horrible about Sean. I know I can say this on behalf of everyone from Botley Primary School especially 6SD, Sean we miss you, we are sad that you have died so young, you really were a very nice, gentle person.

Words by Olivia Hardy

Dear Sean

You were a great friend. You were a brilliant singer and whenever you heard music you would dance to it.

I will miss you so much and everyone else will too.

At break time you would do something funny and someone would chase you for a joke, you were very funny. I will never forget your cap you always wore.

When we talked about you at school we all started to cry even Mr. Davis.

You would always be proud of what you did especially your king Boo.

I can remember you saying to me that you forgot Thomas’s name and he was your best friend! You always wanted to play 40-40 and bulldog. I remember the time we all went on strike for bulldog and you loved every minute of it.

We won’t ever forget your smile and your great personality. Thank you for being my friend.

From your friend Livvy xxxx

Words from Matt Whitelock:

Sean was a good friend. I think he would have become a writer with all his crazy ideas. There was one crazy idea about a character called 'Cheesehead'. Cheesehead was basically a fat stickman with a huge wedge of cheese for a head. Cheesehead ran around in the background in plays in secret. Sean also had loads of other ideas about fish.

Sean was funny. I sat next to him in class and I enjoyed reading his stories, though his handwriting was hard to read. But most of his stories seemed to involve Star Wars, fish, or cheese. And seemed to be slightly crazy. We will all miss him greatly.

 The school have made a memorial garden for him at the entrance of the school if anyone is passing that way. There is a seat around a chestnut tree with flower beds all around. It was designed by Sean's class and the money was raised by a singathon as well as other things. We could not believe how much they raised. It was £1400. It is an ongoing project so they are still raising money for it.
It was a hard day for us when they opened it as the whole school were there. They sang Sean's favourite songs and it was opened by Sean's best friends as we asked them to. I think every parent was there as well. There was a lot of tears shed that day.
Its strange I still think he is going to walk around the corner with that cheeky smile of his and come and give me a big hug. God I miss him so much.

Life After.

The hardest thing I have ever done was to tell Callum that Sean will not be around any more. How can an 8 year old understand that he has lost his big brother for ever. It is hard enough for Hazell and myself to cope with the loss god knows what was going through his mind. We had many sleepless nights with him waking up crying not that we could sleep anyway. He had counseling by a by a marvelous group called See Saw which helped a lot.Callum was becoming withdrawn. He would be playing with his toys then he would stop and just sit there for while just thinking then start to play again or sometimes he would just start crying and wanting a hug. He would not talk about Sean and if he heard his name mentioned he would walk out of the room or even look at the picture of Sean on the wall. So we had to do something to help him get over the loss. The head mistress Alison Marsh and the teachers at his school are great in trying to help him. But what really helped him was from the help of a person whom we would like to call as a very good friend. When we lost Goldie the boys took it hard so we decided to wait and see if we would get another dog. Then Callum started to say that he missed Goldie and can we have another dog for him to play with and look after. So we talked to See Saw about it and they agreed that it would be a good idea. We asked Callum what breed of dog he would like and he said that he did not want another Golden Retriever as it would spoil the memory of Goldie bless him. He searched through the Internet as it was going to be his decision about what breed he would have. Then all of a sudden he came to me and said Dad I want a Cocker Spaniel but not an ordinary Cocker but a working one. I think I know why he decided on that choice was because when we had Goldie the boys wanted a companion dog for Goldie and they decided on a Cocker then as Sean had seen them work when he went beating. Plus I liked them as well. But it was his decision and his alone. So I got in contact with that person which changed everything Simon Blackman. He said that he would keep an eye out for a good one for us and he kept his word. It resulted in this.

That day when we picked up Buster I must admit brought tears to our eyes. Callum was so happy He changed over night. He was back to his happy cheerful self. I cannot thank Simon enough for what he did. He did more for us than I think he realized he gave Callum  his life back.

The Start Or Is It?

You will have to forgive me for any errors etc as this is the first time I have tried this blogging lark. So here goes. Why am I doing this blog is a good question. I think it may help someone who is going through the same thing as we as a family are going through or it may be something to help me cope with the emotions I feel every day. I know I am not making much sense at the moment but all will become clear as the blog goes on.
      It all started on the 9th of December 2010. The worst day of our lives. It was the day our eldest son Sean past away suddenly at the age of 10 years old.   

How can I describe Sean. He was a happy, full of mischief, loving, caring 10 year old with all his life in front of him. He loved Star wars,Doctor Who and Lego. I think he had every Doctor Who magazine that was published . He also loved dogs.He knew every dog in the area. It broke his heart when our Golden Retriever Goldie had to be put to sleep in the August of 2010. His other loves apart from his younger brother Callum was Beating and Fly fishing. He loved the countryside and Country Sports. I suppose he got that from me.

That's enough for now as I am finding it hard to carry on at the moment.